The Love Of A Little Boy........

I think I've always wanted to become a mom. Never having any strong desires career wise. I just knew I had so much love to give, and an overwhelming feeling of wanting and needing so much love in return. Being a mother was the only choice I would refuse to live without. Having so many problems as a teenager fighting depression and anxiety, I felt I needed a true reason for being here. Meeting my husband was a wonderful start, but I still had this feeling of emptiness that seemed to get bigger with each passing day. Getting pregnant did not come easy for me. Went through many tests and procedures with my doctor, and when all else failed I decided to endure a couple of surgeries with taking serious medication to hopefully achieve my result. Waiting most of my life, the day finally came where it was 9 months until my empty void would be filled!

The first time I held my son and looked at him there was an instant connection. It was a feeling that I've never experienced before. I knew how important my job was, and from that point on my life would never be the same. It's amazing to watch your child grow and develope their own little personalities. What's a bit nerve racking is when you begin to see yourself  in them. I look at my son who definately a sensitive individual, as was I. Not that I view this as a bad quality, but makes me worry for him with others who aren't as fragile. I always call him my delicate little flower. He doesn't really appreciate me saying that of course, but it comes from much love!
What came from all this love and wanting everything for my son, I decided he needed a sibling. I was a single child until my father had remarried. I did have a half brother, but did not have the opportunity to grow up with him in the same household. Almost all my friends had atleast one sibling. I always wondered if I would have felt as lonely as I did if my situation had been different? The only thing I was sure of is that I wanted more for this little boy. Enduring more pain and surgeries we were blessed yet again with the arrival of our daughter! My children are at the ages of 8 and almost 3 now, so ofcourse my son see's my daughter as a punishment! But, I know somewhere "long" down the line he will share a friendship with her that he can always count on! That is my hope anyway....
As for me, because of all the surgeries I've had, now I have to deal with many hernia issues. I've been in and out of the hospital a number of times! Obviously not something thats easy for a child to see their mom go through. My daughter is a bit young and doesn't remember, but my poor boy has been there through it all! From the day his sister was born I was in the hospital for about a week. I was sick to my stomach knowing that he was crying for me to come home. He was and still is a momma's boy. It's to be expected when I'm a stay at home mom and his father works all day. Then if the time away wasn't bad enough of course I couldn't hold him when I came home. I became the "delicate little flower" everyone had to be easy around.
It's so depressing to me that I need more then one hand to count how many times my son has had to go through this. Not only being away from me, but when I come home feeling useless for him. Let's face it he's a normal kid who's life continues on. He wants certain things done that I'm not able to do. He might want to go somewhere that I wouldn't be able to take him. My most common fault is when he wants to play with me, and I'm just not able to do it. He doesn't understand the magnitude of what pain I'm in, or how long the healing process takes. I felt bad that all I had to offer him was my company. I do worry what he thinks, and  hope that one day he realizes what I went through, and that I have no regrets! It was all out of love.

This last time I was at the hospital for my 6th hernia repair wasn't any easier. You would think we would be pro's about now! I didn't want my husband to bring the kids the first 2 days due to all of the tubes I had, and not to mention the amount of pain I was in. Missing them so much I asked to see them the next day. My son told me how much I was missed, and hopes I'll be returning home real soon. He cried as he left, and in all honesty my heart hurt more then any pain I had from the surgey.My throat was actually sore from the lump I felt in it! The following day came and I knew I still wasn't leaving. Dreading not another visit, but our next goodbye for the night, my son showed up with a surprise for me. He brought me one of his stuffed animals to sleep with. Yes he is 8 years old, but these animals are a "big deal" for him in order to sleep. I looked at him and said " WOW! You must really love me!" He smiled and told me I wouldn't have to feel all alone here if I had someone fluffy I could hug. As I was about to start balling my eyes out, I thought for a minute and then asked "Hey! You love me, but how much if you weren't willing to give up your favorite stuffed animal?!!" He gave a good chuckle and said yeah I love ya mom, but not that much! He's a funny kid, quite the character. All jokes aside, this beautiful soul was thinking how to take care of me. The love that a child holds for their parent is so amazing! Skinny or heavy, they look at you like you're perfect. Bad complection or imperfections, all they see is beautiful. It is an unconditional love to fill your heart. I'm not sure that I am deserving of him, but I give thanks everyday that I have the love of this little boy...............

Jeffrey, my love at first site.

My thought for the day: Love your child with every fiber of your being! They deserve nothing less. For the love you recieve in return is the greatest gift in life!