It's a compulsion to pull out your hair. It could be the hair on your head, eyelashes, eyebrows ect.
I've been pulling since 1987. Eyelashes happened to be the drug of my choice. Not to imply that it is something we choose to do. I remember my lashes being extremely full, long and beautiful. They would draw attention to others who met me. It would always be brought up about how nice they were.
Was there too much focus on them and I began to notice imperfestions? Or, was it when I used to watch my mom pull her mascara off with her fingers. Being impressionable I had to try that myself. FYI: don't attempt doing this without expecting some lashes to come out! I know at that time I became aware of the roots to the hair, and was soothed by the brush of it along my lips.
One would have to imagine how HARD this is for a person to explain this to people who do not suffer from it. Well, without them looking at you like you were totally nuts! Cancer is something people show compassion for when someone is suffering. If you're an alcoholic people understand you have a problem. When some people look at us it is hard to show compassion and understanding for a problem that they don't know, or they just don't get. I've been told "Just stop if you're unhappy", "It's your own fault if you continue to do it", and my favorite "You're doing this for sympathy".
People with trich HATE themselves for what they do! We beat ourselves up constantly for not being able to just stop! It's feels like a neverending battle. We are our own worst enemy!
It's an awful feeling to be stared at. Always worrying about if someone's going to ask about your lack of hair, and all the "whys" that follow. You just want to crawl up in a ball and hide from the world.
To share my full story with you I became overwhelmed by it. Back when I started, this problem was just coming to the attention of some doctors. It was NOT understood by many. I becamed so depressed over it I stopped going to high school to avoid being seen. When my parents forced me to go back and just could not relate to what I was going through I felt like giving up, and attempted suicide. I had been in and out of hospitals for many years. In a positive light it helped me to understand my feelings and accept them. Trying to find healthy ways to deal with the sadness.
It was maybe 10 years ago I went to my first Trichotillomania conference in Washington DC. This is what I believe was my biggest turning point. For the first time in my life I was able to meet others who shared this secret with me. I never had felt SO COMFORTABLE in one place! It was an amazing experience. Seeing so many young kids who were suffering, but had wonderful support from family and friends. Meeting people who looked just like me, and realizing they were beautiful just the way they are. I left there not feeling all alone in the world anymore! People were compassionate and understanding. Most of all they were friends. Sharing in the struggle that had eaten away at me for years.
I am married with 2 children now. My husband is my best friend and has stood by my side through this journey. Recently in my efforts to try and stop pulling out my eyelashes, I found a sore on my head and began to pick at it. You can only imagine what this led to. Something that started as a tiny imperfection has turned out to be a bald spot the size of a baseball. My mission was to try to stop pulling, not find a different spot. ;(
Unfortunately, one of my biggest fears came true. My son noticed I was wearing my hat a bit too often and caught a look when I was going to bed. He's 8, innocent, and obviously curious why I was missing a big chunk of hair? To be honest I wasn't sure how to answer him? I didn't want to make a big deal of it. My fear is that he'll want to pull to see how it feels, and there's that slim chance he might enjoy it. May seem like a stretch, but I met someone who has trich and so does her child.
Now don't get me wrong. If my children would happen to have this problem I would be their biggest support! I just don't want to be the one who introduces it to them.
In searching for ways to fight my own demons I felt the need to write this for others. You are not alone! There are so many out there that are willing to accept you for who you are. You're not by yourself in this fight. Trichotillomania is something you have, it's not who you are! I feel that it defeats me somedays, but what you have to keep in mind is that there is ALWAYS tomorrow. That could be the day you win! To those who want to give up, I beg of you DON'T! If I wasn't saved I wouldn't have created the 2 most precious people on this earth! Two little people who still look at me like I'm the prettiest person ever! :)
There is hope. Things do become easier to deal with. When you look at the bigger picture and realize it's hair. Thank goodness it grows back! You just have to keep fighting the battle because I am telling you "We Are All Worth It"...............
My thought for the day: Treat everyday as if it were Halloween! Enjoy the different characters. Embrace how different and creative we all can be. Don't judge a person by their looks for they are all costumes! What's on the underneath is what really counts.
May you find the courage to share yours.
Love to you all <3
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