First, let me start of by saying I will be very happy when this election is over! Put aside the MANY phone calls I've been receiving on donating and such. Put aside the RELENTLESS negative adds you are subjected to on TV. Put aside the political arguments I mean discussions that sometimes turn ugly on face book. Now it's come down to some "Ignoramus" stealing my Obama sign in my front yard! I am to say the least "Extremely Pissed Off"........................
I definitely live in a state that can be considered RepublicanVille! To welcome you when you enter Indiana is a GIANT CROSS. Just as if you were entering HEAVEN itself! A welcome sign might have been sufficient, but not here. People around these parts LOVE to hear my accent, but most likely would pass out if they heard my views on certain issues. I am pro-CHOICE! Key word being "choice" !!! I do NOT believe God chooses life, I believe your body decides whether to get pregnant. I wasn't able to have children on my own. I needed help from an infertility specialist. Did God feel I wasn't Worthy of becoming pregnant, or the "Thousands" of other women who cannot conceive? EVERY WOMAN, and unfortunately young girls, rape victims should ALWAYS have the CHOICE whether they want to create life, OR NOT!!! Yes that's right I said to create life because it DOES NOT begin at the moment of conception. It is an embryo that can become a fetus. I do NOT thank God for my children, I thank my "infertility specialist" everyday for helping my body to procreate!
I believe in Equality for all! I want my children NOT to grow up hating others because they may be different from them. I want them to understand no matter what color your skin is, or because you love someone of the same sex, everyone deserves the same rights!
Then, there's another favorite subject of mine- Gun Control.......
It brings me back to All In The Family! Loving the views of 1 Archie Bunker! If he doesn't show how ridiculous the idea "everyone should own one" can be, then nothing I say would ever sway an opinion! ;)
I am extremely tired of defending what seems to be common sense to me, but not to some others.....
Yes! I see an end in sight!
Now to my next issue- Surgery for the 7th time on the SAME problem.
I just happened to have found someone who SEEMS to understand what they are doing! I am tired of "putting a ban aid" over a spot just to end up back at square one months later. This surgeon is attacking the problem as a whole. Unfortunately, I am prone to getting hernias, but I am hopeful I will NOT be back in a year with the same issues. On the other hand if this does not work I may have to reconsider the whole "gun control" issue, and just start shooting doctors at random out of pure frustration! To say the least my kids aren't so keen on the idea of having to pick up slack around the house for what I won't be able to do. They're finding my stomach problems as an inconvenience to their regularly scheduled program!
Will I be thrilled when this is over? YES, and if you listen closely you can hear my kids agreeing!
With the many problems my stomach has created, getting exercise happens to be one of the "lacking" obligations I have to myself. Halloween passing leaving this GOD AWFUL DELICIOUS YUMMY candy has only added to my weight issue! Previously loosing 15lbs I probably have gained 10lbs back! ;( I can honestly say food is not an issue for me. Chocolate happens to be my worst enemy. If you could chew drugs, and they would taste like chocolate, I would have to be in detox for the rest of my life! It's Evil......
Do I need to get my dairy-air back into shape? You better believe it! We need an end to this madness....
With ALL my many issues I would love to see come to an end, there is one battle I will always continue to fight- my hair pulling! The never ending fight of the urge to pull due to stress, or whatever happens to bring the mood on? I've had my sticky fingers at it again! Not only the lashes, but my head as well. What can I say, I enjoy a challenge! ;) Never enough on my plate, but worries over things I have No Control over could be the trigger....................
Will I cry when this year comes to an end? I'm thinking........................NO!
My thought for this day:
Life will hand you and bunch of lemons sometimes. You can sit and pout about it like most of us do ( including myself as #1 )! It's good to cry sometimes to get your feeling out. OR, you can take those lemons and stick them in your bra! Couldn't Hurt, Might Help! ;) What did you think I was going to say "make lemonade", how lame..................
No matter what the problems are in your life, always remember this too shall pass! I wish an end in sight for you! <3
Dedicated to my friends who have lost on the East Coast XO
Acceptance Of Oneself..............................
For me, these are some tough words to swallow.
It was last year that I had come back from a trip to PA. and N.Y. where I had visited my family and friends. I have 2 children, so naturally I went picture crazy and happened to get some shots of myself in there cause at the time I thought I was looking pretty good. WELL, there's nothing like a photo of yourself to place you right back into reality of what you "really" look like and not what you invision yourself as. Let me just say I was truly disappointed looking at myself. I happen to be someone who is very self concious due to physical things I do to myself as part of a problem I have. Always being worried who would notice something I had wrong. I'd spend lots of time in front of a mirror, but never noticed what other people were actually seeing. It definately wasn't the image I saw looking back! Forget the disappointment I was terribly confused! I'm not blind! HOW could I not have seen this? Was I so focused on my other issues that I didn't take notice of this big body that came underneath my imperfect face?
Sure I can use the excuse I had 2 c-sections for 2 very large babies! But, I doubt thats going to hold much value in 10yrs from now........ Yes, I've had major hernia surgeries that threw my stomach completely out of control, but what do I blame for the rest of the weight? Lol, it kind of just leaves me.
I was depressed for a long time after that trip knowing everytime I got dressed it wouldn't matter what I put on, I would still be that same overweight person I saw in those pictures. My husband would get so fustrated with me! He would tell me constantly how beautiful I was. He could not understand why this wasn't enough? I did not share that same image. I was not happy with what I let myself become. I knew we were going back to the east coast the following summer to be there when my brother gets married. I had a mission set that I was going to be thinner by then. I would be proud of the pics I would take this time.
So, here I sit one week away from the wedding. I have lost 15lbs which is the most I've lost in a long time!
The sad fact is I go back to that same mirror and do not see ANY difference........ All I can notice is a big girl who hasn't changed one bit. What's strange is I fit into clothes that I could not button last year, but if you weren't aware of that fact, I promise there is nothing different to the eye.
I've come to terms with this problem and realize it shouldn't be about 1yr and trying to look better for some occasion. This is a life goal that I need to keep working at so I can feel good about myself, and be around as long as possible for my children. I preach to them all the time about being loving people. To love all colors, shapes and sizes. Be proud of who you are inside and that will always make you beautiful! I should take a lesson from myself........
My weight doesn't make me who I am. When I look in that mirror I need to look deeper and not just what appears on the outside. My new goal is to see what my husband and children see in me. All I have to do is take a shower and my kids think I'm gorgeous! :-)
I will go on this trip, and I will take lots of pictures! I will post them for my friends to see, and I will be proud of how hard I fought to get a simple 15lbs off! I'll be damned if I don't give that mirror the middle finger! I most importantly will NOT give up on myself!!!
My thought for the day:
No matter what your reflection is in that mirror, you will see only what you allow yourself to see. Look beyond the image and focus on whats really important. Can you be proud of who you are as a person? Thats what makes you "beautiful"....... The rest is just cosmetic!
I know lot's of people like myself who would love to dress up in a costume, and be anyone but themselves even just for one day! Just so we could hide from the real world and all the pressures it comes with. There's a dirty little secret we share, and when it gets bad it becomes more difficult to hide. This horrible feeling we struggle with is called Trichotillomania.
It's a compulsion to pull out your hair. It could be the hair on your head, eyelashes, eyebrows ect.
I've been pulling since 1987. Eyelashes happened to be the drug of my choice. Not to imply that it is something we choose to do. I remember my lashes being extremely full, long and beautiful. They would draw attention to others who met me. It would always be brought up about how nice they were.
Was there too much focus on them and I began to notice imperfestions? Or, was it when I used to watch my mom pull her mascara off with her fingers. Being impressionable I had to try that myself. FYI: don't attempt doing this without expecting some lashes to come out! I know at that time I became aware of the roots to the hair, and was soothed by the brush of it along my lips.
One would have to imagine how HARD this is for a person to explain this to people who do not suffer from it. Well, without them looking at you like you were totally nuts! Cancer is something people show compassion for when someone is suffering. If you're an alcoholic people understand you have a problem. When some people look at us it is hard to show compassion and understanding for a problem that they don't know, or they just don't get. I've been told "Just stop if you're unhappy", "It's your own fault if you continue to do it", and my favorite "You're doing this for sympathy".
People with trich HATE themselves for what they do! We beat ourselves up constantly for not being able to just stop! It's feels like a neverending battle. We are our own worst enemy!
It's an awful feeling to be stared at. Always worrying about if someone's going to ask about your lack of hair, and all the "whys" that follow. You just want to crawl up in a ball and hide from the world.
To share my full story with you I became overwhelmed by it. Back when I started, this problem was just coming to the attention of some doctors. It was NOT understood by many. I becamed so depressed over it I stopped going to high school to avoid being seen. When my parents forced me to go back and just could not relate to what I was going through I felt like giving up, and attempted suicide. I had been in and out of hospitals for many years. In a positive light it helped me to understand my feelings and accept them. Trying to find healthy ways to deal with the sadness.
It was maybe 10 years ago I went to my first Trichotillomania conference in Washington DC. This is what I believe was my biggest turning point. For the first time in my life I was able to meet others who shared this secret with me. I never had felt SO COMFORTABLE in one place! It was an amazing experience. Seeing so many young kids who were suffering, but had wonderful support from family and friends. Meeting people who looked just like me, and realizing they were beautiful just the way they are. I left there not feeling all alone in the world anymore! People were compassionate and understanding. Most of all they were friends. Sharing in the struggle that had eaten away at me for years.
I am married with 2 children now. My husband is my best friend and has stood by my side through this journey. Recently in my efforts to try and stop pulling out my eyelashes, I found a sore on my head and began to pick at it. You can only imagine what this led to. Something that started as a tiny imperfection has turned out to be a bald spot the size of a baseball. My mission was to try to stop pulling, not find a different spot. ;(
Unfortunately, one of my biggest fears came true. My son noticed I was wearing my hat a bit too often and caught a look when I was going to bed. He's 8, innocent, and obviously curious why I was missing a big chunk of hair? To be honest I wasn't sure how to answer him? I didn't want to make a big deal of it. My fear is that he'll want to pull to see how it feels, and there's that slim chance he might enjoy it. May seem like a stretch, but I met someone who has trich and so does her child.
Now don't get me wrong. If my children would happen to have this problem I would be their biggest support! I just don't want to be the one who introduces it to them.
In searching for ways to fight my own demons I felt the need to write this for others. You are not alone! There are so many out there that are willing to accept you for who you are. You're not by yourself in this fight. Trichotillomania is something you have, it's not who you are! I feel that it defeats me somedays, but what you have to keep in mind is that there is ALWAYS tomorrow. That could be the day you win! To those who want to give up, I beg of you DON'T! If I wasn't saved I wouldn't have created the 2 most precious people on this earth! Two little people who still look at me like I'm the prettiest person ever! :)
There is hope. Things do become easier to deal with. When you look at the bigger picture and realize it's hair. Thank goodness it grows back! You just have to keep fighting the battle because I am telling you "We Are All Worth It"...............
My thought for the day: Treat everyday as if it were Halloween! Enjoy the different characters. Embrace how different and creative we all can be. Don't judge a person by their looks for they are all costumes! What's on the underneath is what really counts.
I dedicate this to my son. Because of him I am brave enough to share my story.
May you find the courage to share yours.
Love to you all <3
I think I've always wanted to become a mom. Never having any strong desires career wise. I just knew I had so much love to give, and an overwhelming feeling of wanting and needing so much love in return. Being a mother was the only choice I would refuse to live without. Having so many problems as a teenager fighting depression and anxiety, I felt I needed a true reason for being here. Meeting my husband was a wonderful start, but I still had this feeling of emptiness that seemed to get bigger with each passing day. Getting pregnant did not come easy for me. Went through many tests and procedures with my doctor, and when all else failed I decided to endure a couple of surgeries with taking serious medication to hopefully achieve my result. Waiting most of my life, the day finally came where it was 9 months until my empty void would be filled!
The first time I held my son and looked at him there was an instant connection. It was a feeling that I've never experienced before. I knew how important my job was, and from that point on my life would never be the same. It's amazing to watch your child grow and develope their own little personalities. What's a bit nerve racking is when you begin to see yourself in them. I look at my son who definately a sensitive individual, as was I. Not that I view this as a bad quality, but makes me worry for him with others who aren't as fragile. I always call him my delicate little flower. He doesn't really appreciate me saying that of course, but it comes from much love!
What came from all this love and wanting everything for my son, I decided he needed a sibling. I was a single child until my father had remarried. I did have a half brother, but did not have the opportunity to grow up with him in the same household. Almost all my friends had atleast one sibling. I always wondered if I would have felt as lonely as I did if my situation had been different? The only thing I was sure of is that I wanted more for this little boy. Enduring more pain and surgeries we were blessed yet again with the arrival of our daughter! My children are at the ages of 8 and almost 3 now, so ofcourse my son see's my daughter as a punishment! But, I know somewhere "long" down the line he will share a friendship with her that he can always count on! That is my hope anyway....
As for me, because of all the surgeries I've had, now I have to deal with many hernia issues. I've been in and out of the hospital a number of times! Obviously not something thats easy for a child to see their mom go through. My daughter is a bit young and doesn't remember, but my poor boy has been there through it all! From the day his sister was born I was in the hospital for about a week. I was sick to my stomach knowing that he was crying for me to come home. He was and still is a momma's boy. It's to be expected when I'm a stay at home mom and his father works all day. Then if the time away wasn't bad enough of course I couldn't hold him when I came home. I became the "delicate little flower" everyone had to be easy around.
It's so depressing to me that I need more then one hand to count how many times my son has had to go through this. Not only being away from me, but when I come home feeling useless for him. Let's face it he's a normal kid who's life continues on. He wants certain things done that I'm not able to do. He might want to go somewhere that I wouldn't be able to take him. My most common fault is when he wants to play with me, and I'm just not able to do it. He doesn't understand the magnitude of what pain I'm in, or how long the healing process takes. I felt bad that all I had to offer him was my company. I do worry what he thinks, and hope that one day he realizes what I went through, and that I have no regrets! It was all out of love.
This last time I was at the hospital for my 6th hernia repair wasn't any easier. You would think we would be pro's about now! I didn't want my husband to bring the kids the first 2 days due to all of the tubes I had, and not to mention the amount of pain I was in. Missing them so much I asked to see them the next day. My son told me how much I was missed, and hopes I'll be returning home real soon. He cried as he left, and in all honesty my heart hurt more then any pain I had from the surgey.My throat was actually sore from the lump I felt in it! The following day came and I knew I still wasn't leaving. Dreading not another visit, but our next goodbye for the night, my son showed up with a surprise for me. He brought me one of his stuffed animals to sleep with. Yes he is 8 years old, but these animals are a "big deal" for him in order to sleep. I looked at him and said " WOW! You must really love me!" He smiled and told me I wouldn't have to feel all alone here if I had someone fluffy I could hug. As I was about to start balling my eyes out, I thought for a minute and then asked "Hey! You love me, but how much if you weren't willing to give up your favorite stuffed animal?!!" He gave a good chuckle and said yeah I love ya mom, but not that much! He's a funny kid, quite the character. All jokes aside, this beautiful soul was thinking how to take care of me. The love that a child holds for their parent is so amazing! Skinny or heavy, they look at you like you're perfect. Bad complection or imperfections, all they see is beautiful. It is an unconditional love to fill your heart. I'm not sure that I am deserving of him, but I give thanks everyday that I have the love of this little boy...............
Jeffrey, my love at first site.
My thought for the day: Love your child with every fiber of your being! They deserve nothing less. For the love you recieve in return is the greatest gift in life!
I absolutely love it when people try to tell me that "hunting" is considered a sport! When the animals are physically able to carry guns and shoot back, then I may consider it a fair! Since I don't believe that will ever happen I will just have to call it a bunch of UNeducated moron's trying to prove how tough they really are. There is so much gun violence and accidents related to weapons. It makes me sad to think that this is not only "legal", but also "encouraged" by many parents for their children.
I am a girl who was born and raised in Queens, New York! Living in the city the "squirrels" were considered wildlife. Yes we had the ocassional mouse or rat, but lets just say they weren't welcomed as much! We were SO DESPERATE for animal contact that we would keep dogs and cats trapped in tiny apartments for our own personal relationships. Of course these pets were extremely loved, but lets face it we did not live in the "ideal" situation for them! The point being we were raised to love ALL animals! If we desired to see anything other then our typical pet we had to travel to the zoo. We didn't have the luxury of seeing a deer and its babies stop for a bite to eat on our front lawn. It's mind blowing that I can see a beautiful living creature, and someone else can look at the very same animal and see a "wall decoration" or a "rug"!
I know there are many out there ( a.k.a. the UNeducated morons) who like to come up with "excuses" of why people shoot innocent wildlife! I do love the one about how there are people who depend on that meat to survive. I'm sorry! I did NOT realize that it doesn't cost money for a license, or for a gun and bullets. Special clothing must be free? These stores that actually SELL hunting supplies must have some party going on! You mean to tell me you couldn't buy food in bulk to get you through the winter INSTEAD of Purchasing the items listed above? If this excuse isn't good enough I just LOVE this next one! Might go as far as saying it's my favorite! The "Overpopulation Theory"! LOL, may I quite blunt. There are MANY things that are over populated! Just to name one, there are too many unwanted children. Projects are loaded with women having babies they can not afford to take care, nor do they have any intrest in doing so! They are a ticket to collecting more welfare. Now, should we blend in with the rooftops of these buildings and start sniping the children off one by one? Probably NOT the right thing to do?!! Never sat on the stoop in front of my house with a riffle blowing away all the strays that were in the neighborhood! I don't know, maybe it's just me? Can I not compare the two?
Today's society is filled with so much violence. There is hatred everywhere! If a child is taught not to have love and respect for a living creature who is innocent, and has not wronged them in any way, shape, or form. How do you teach them to have respect or any concern for human life? People you deal with everyday that more then likely will have wronged you at one point. This LACK of caring begins with something as simple as an animal. What keeps me up at night is that when you're done buying your hunting supplies in a "family" store such as Walmart, you can go one isle over to purchase your riffle. Someday who knows, maybe people will be able to buy their cigarettes and bullets all in one convenient little stop.............................
My thought of the day: Everything was put on this earth for a reason. Respect it, and Care for it as if it were your own!
